Breath of Fresh Sam/Transcript
(Fade in on Microsoft Sam, who is trying to sleep. Guy and Radar Overseer Scotty can be heard.) Guy: Could you pass the chips, Scotty? Scotty: Sorry, Guy. We're all out. Guy: Dammit! What am I going to do with all this dip? (It turns out that Guy and Scotty are sitting on chairs located beside Sam's bed.) Scotty: SHIELD GUY!!! (Sam wakes up.) Sam: Hey hey hey! Nobody is allowed to call Guy by that name but me! Anyways, what are you two morons doing? Scotty: Waiting to watch the sunrise with you. Sam: At 3:47 in the morning?! Scotty: Uh-huh. Sam: In my bedroom?! Scotty: We come here every morning. Sam: You sneak into my house every morning? Scotty: Uh-huh. (Sam groans.) Guy: It's our favorite pastime. Scotty: Ah, the memories we've shared, right in this room. They're all here in this memory book. Here we are on the Fourth of July. And Valentine's Day. Oh, you looked so cute on Easter. (Sam can be heard growling angrily.) Scotty: Um, what's wrong with Sam? Sam: Do you remember what I told you happens to my brain every time I see you? (Guy and Scotty gasp.) Guy and Scotty: (simultaneously) Story time! Scotty: Can I tell it this time, Sam? Pretty please? Whenever Sam sees us, the tic controllosa in his brain starts building up and a nasty storm rages. So, Sam's happy gland is forced to take shelter in the recesses of his mind. But the happy gland can't find a recess deep enough, so he gets the flu and has to stay in bed until we leave. Sam: And that is why I will never, for as long as I live, and throughout all time and eternity, ever- Anna: Three hours later... Sam: And with every fiber of my being, I know that I never want to see you two again- Scotty: Sam? Sam: -for as long as time shall stand. Scotty: Uh, Sam? Sam: What? (The sun rises.) Guy and Scotty: (simultaneously) There it is. Scotty: Thanks for sharing this moment with us, Sam. Sam: Guy and Scotty! You're fired! Get out! (Later, Sam can be seen putting up an electric fence around his house.) Sam: Perfect. Scotty: Wow, that's a nice one. Thanks for inviting us to your big fencewarming party. Sam: Oh, of course. Come, have a seat. The picnic's about to start. (Later...) Scotty: Oh, this is so neat. Guy: I've never picnicked on a catapult before. Have you, Scotty? (Guy and Scotty realize they are sitting on a catapult much too late, as they are launched out of the scene.) Sam: It worked! Now I just turn on the electric fence. (Sam turns on the electric fence using his remote control.) Sam: Now, they'll never get back in. (Guy and Scotty land beside Sam.) Guy: That was so fun! Let's do it again. Scotty: I agree! Let's do it again. Guy: Can we, Sam? Sam: Huh? What? No! Get out! Scotty: But- Sam: No! You're going out this door, right now- (Sam touches the doorknob and gets electrocuted.) Scotty: You're not mad at us, are you, Sam? Sam? Sam? (It turns out the electrocution has zapped all of the tic controllosas from his brain. Sam's brain is peaceful again.) Scotty: Well, okay then. You look like you need some alone time. We'll be exploring LOL-LOL Land if you need us. Sam: Are signs located in there? Scotty: Yeah, they're of the funny kind. Sam: And the many restaurants that Davemadson takes us to at the end of LTIB episodes? Scotty: Oh, yeah. Sam: Can I come? (Guy and Scotty gasp.) Guy and Scotty: (simultaneously) Ooooh—yeah. (Montage. Guy and Scotty tour Sam around LOL-LOL land, and pictures recap their journey. Montage end.) Guy and Scotty: (simultaneously) Good night, Sam. (Sam goes inside his house.) Scotty: Hey, Guy. Did you notice anything different about Sam? Guy: I did notice something different about Sam. He got new glasses. Scotty: That's not what I noticed. I mean he seems happier. (Sam goes outside for a moment.) Sam: Good night. (Sam suddenly pulls Scotty in for a kiss.) Sam: I love you! (Sam goes back inside. Scotty is blushing mad and in shock.) Guy: He's probably happy about his new glasses. (The next morning. Scotty's alarm sounds, but Sam turns it off for him. It turns out that Scotty was using Sam's chest as a pillow the entire night, and he didn't even realize it.) Sam: Good morning, Scotty. How was last night? Scotty: Sam, what were you thinking?! Substituting yourself in for my pillow like that! Sam: I thought your pillow wasn't warm enough for you. You do need a good night's rest after what you went through yesterday. Scotty: But still, Sam! What are you doing here? Sam: You were right, Scotty. Watching the sunrise together is much better. Scotty: Ha ha ha ha ha... oh right. You must be cured of tic controllosa. The new Sam is here! (Sam embraces Scotty. He gets up and stretches one of his arms as he yawns. Sam sets Scotty down.) Scotty: I guess I better get ready for the next LTIB episode. Boy, the new Sam sure is friendly. (Scotty is reading the newspaper. Sam offers Scotty a coffee cup. He drinks some.) Scotty: The new Sam sure is helpful. (Scotty brushes his teeth. He has washed his mouth out, but is surprised when Sam flosses Scotty's teeth for him.) Scotty: The new Sam sure is hygienic. (Sam and Scotty leave for work together, holding hands.) Scotty: Boy—the new Sam sure is chummy. (Scotty lets go of Sam's hand, wanting some personal space. Scotty walks over to the right side of the driveway, but Sam walks over to Scotty and holds his hand again. The camera cuts to the LTIB Studio.) Scotty: Ah, this is more like it. Just me, my shield maker, and you, Mr. Smiley Face WB Shield. No one can come between us. (Sam suddenly shows up.) Sam: Hello, Scotty. Scotty: S-S-Sam! Aren't you supposed to be out front directing? Sam: I wanted to help you produce some bloopers. Scotty: What? Oh, that's silly talk, Sam. I am the logo guy, and we logo guys work alone. And, uh- - -we're not supposed to get distracted while we're working, Sam. Mr. Warner: Sam! Stop distracting Scotty and get to work on this episode! Sam: How are we today? Everything a-okay here? David: Sam? What has gotten into you? Sam: How's the bloopers? Anyone need a change in music? I have an idea. How about a free blank shield for the girl? (Sam hands a blank shield to Beulah.) Beulah: Abby, Sam is making me worried. Sam: Now who wants free snacks? Mr. Warner: Did someone just say "free"? In my studio?! (Mr. Warner runs out of his office.) Mr. Warner: What's the problem here? Abby: Microsoft Sam's behavior has changed. Beulah: Abby is right! He- he-- he asked me if I wanted a change in music, and then he gave me a free blank shield! Mr. Warner: Free?! Microsoft Sam! Sam: Yes, sir! Mr. Warner: Listen up. The audience here tuned in for cheap entertainment and verbal abuse, and if you can't get it right, get back on the computer with Scotty! (Scotty comes back from the bathroom and sees Sam at the computer.) Scotty: Woah! Sam, what are you doing? Sam: Mr. Warner told me to help you, so I made some bloopers. Scotty: Oh, these will never do. Besides, it takes years of practice and you'd never be up to it. (Scotty is about to delete the bloopers when Mr. Warner enters.) Mr. Warner: Scotty? What are you doing with those bloopers? Scotty: Oh, these are no good, Mr. Warner. Sam made them. Mr. Warner: They look okay to me. Scotty: But he's not a real logo guy. Mr. Warner: He is now. Give him the shield maker and put him to work. You know, he might be as good a logo guy as you. And just so you know, I am taking over the task of directing until further notice. (Scotty whimpers. Later, Sam and Scotty can be seen cooperating on the bloopers.) Sam: Wow, Scotty! I should've never fired you at all if you have been Employee of the Month a gazillion times. I wish I could be employee of the month. Scotty: Actually, Sam, in point of fact, I've been Employee of the Month a gazillion and six times. Keep dreaming. Mr. Warner: Scotty? Scotty: Yes, Mr. Warner? Mr. Warner: What's the meaning of this? Scotty: What's wrong with it? Mr. Warner: A shield displaying 'SOI'? Scotty: 'SOI'? Only one person could say it like that! It was him! Sam did it! Mr. Warner: Microsoft Sam? Sam: Yes, sir. Mr. Warner: I have one thing to say to you, mister. Oh, I just love the way you pronounce soy! (Scotty is shocked! He expected Mr. Warner to punish Sam, not praise him.) Mr. Warner: You're the new Employee of the Month. (Scotty faints out of pure shock. Guy walks in.) Guy: Special delivery. For this month's Employee of the Month. I wonder who it could be. As if I didn't know. No, really. who is it? I don't know. Scotty: The guy you're looking for is over there. (Scotty points Guy to Sam. The other cast members of LTIB crowd around Sam and take pictures of him. Scotty then starts crying softly.) Guy: Oh, Scotty? Scotty: Yes? Guy: I want you to pull yourself together, okay? And then I want you to- Scotty: Mm-hmm? Guy: Help me spell 'Sam'. I have been so used to spelling your name that I literally forgot how to spell the director's name. (Guy presents a cake that spells "Congratulations Radar Overseer Scotty: Employee of the Month".) Scotty: Okay. (Scotty facepalms as he changes "Radar Overseer Scotty" to "Microsoft Sam".) Guy: Thanks, Scotty. Party at my house! (Cut to Guy's house. The party is in full force, as evidenced by the "Sam Rocks" banner that was put up. Scotty however is not enjoying the party and chooses to sit at a table by himself and stare at his piece of cake.) Sam: Enjoying the party, Scotty? (Scotty does not respond, as he instead sniffles.) Sam: How's the cake, Scotty? Scotty: It's okay, Sam. sniffles It's a very okay cake. again Sam: I love being Employee of the Month. Scotty: Oh, so what if Sam is better at these bloopers than you are? Doesn't matter. And so what if Sam replaced you as Employee of the Month? And so what if Sam is pogo-dancing with your brother? loudly gasps in shock Pogo-dancing with your brother?! (Scotty realizes that Guy and Sam are pogo-dancing. Scotty whimpers, then he gets angry. He is in full-on TANTRUM MODE.) Scotty: STOP!!! (The party stops.) Scotty: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT!!! MICROSOFT SAM, MAYBE YOU CAN TAKE MY JOB, AND MAYBE YOU CAN TAKE MY PLACE ON THE EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH WALL OF FAME, BUT NOBODY, AND I MEAN NOBODY, POGO-DANCES WITH MY BROTHER BUT ME, YOU HEAR ME?! NOW DO YOURSELF A BIG FAVOR AND GET OUT, BUB, AS YOU ARE FIRED! GET OUT BUB BUB BUB BUB BUB BUB BUB BUB!!! (Cue an explosion. Sam then tearfully leaves and puts his hand on the doorknob, electrocuting him again since the electric fence was still on. The power goes out for a moment as Guy and Scotty are pogo-dancing.) Scotty: Sorry I blew up, Guy. Maybe I was a little hard on Sam. I mean, he might be a good logo guy, and he might have his picture on the wall, but I still have the best brother I could ever have. Ah! I know. I'll go apologize. Come on. (Guy and Scotty head over to Sam, who is still being electrocuted.) Scotty: Sam, I just want to say I'm sorry for being so selfish, and yelling at you and all. I mean, who cares about bloopers, pictures on the wall, and dancing. We're bigger than that, right? So, if you're willing to let bygones be bygones, then I'm willing to meet you half way. So Sam, will you forgive me? Guy: He's too proud. I think the happy expression means he forgives you. Scotty: Oh, I'll just meet you all the way. Lay one on me, pal. (Scotty leans in on Sam for a kiss. When their lips connect, Scotty gets electrocuted as well.) Guy: Hey, I want to dance funny, too! (Guy grabs Sam's other hand and gets electrocuted. Sam's remote control explodes and the electric fence is no more.) Sam: Scotty! Guy! What are you two still doing here? (Then it turns out the electrocution has infected Guy and Scotty with tic controllosa.) Scotty: What are you talking about? Guy: Yeah, what's the big idea? I don't need this aggravation! Why are you still standing here?! (The scene fades out as Guy, Sam, and Scotty continue arguing.) Category:Transcripts